On feeling inadequate

You had been looking forward to this moment. One that brought an opportunity to bring forth those qualities opposite to your habitual self; show up more confident and assertively. But it didn’t go as planned, and you’re not surprised. Once more you were at a loss on what to do, and a wave of helpless cluelessness, self-doubt, embarrassment, and frustration took hold of you, highlighting those inadequacies you just haven’t been able to overcome. Once again, you find yourself in your same old bubble of inadequacy, reminding you that you don't fit in. You bash yourself. You look in the mirror and dislike who you see. You wish you were different, able to do things others can. You wish you were more like them and less like you. You wonder why you're so weird, so awkward, so insecure at times, and such an over-thinker. You take a hard look at your inadequacies and curse them.

I've struggled with socializing and making friends for as long as I can remember, which is why I used to be the quiet, and seriously stiff guy at the corner. I’ve always found it extremely hard to know what to say, to be confident, let loose, and just be myself. Parties and social events are my younger self’s demise, and to a point they still are. Dancing, karaoke, spontaneous comments and jokes thrown at me are the sort of things that make me want to be swallowed by the earth. And every time I try to be a bit less awkward and dance or something, I’m certain I look like a psycho killer. It’s absolutely baffling to me how some people can just be so funny, spontaneously witty, charismatic, and energetic, all the while becoming possessed by Michael Jackson’s spirit whilst on the dancefloor.

Judging by how most people seem to be naturally good at socializing, it’s really easy to think of myself as broken in some socially fundamental way. To mentally feel blocked and as rigid as a tree when the beat drops, all of that really sucks. But I’m not broken. Those things I despise of myself at times are what make me me. Socially awkward and shy, it’s not a sign that I’m broken. I’m just not good at it, and I don’t have to be good at it. But I want to because the qualities of becoming a bit more like that are too good. To be serious, attentive, and to have powerful conversations, while also capable of being fun, letting loose, feeling confident in my own skin whenever, with whomever, developing charisma, being quick on my feet when it comes to socializing, and being able to dance or karaoke a favorite song without a care in the world to what other’s may think of me? Who wouldn’t want that?

These things that make us feel inadequate, they’re no sign we’re broken. All our qualities and inadequacies are what make the whole of us, and if they’re within our control to change, and we see something good coming from us changing, then get to work on it. But if it’s something you can’t change, may you have the wisdom to not spend your energy on a losing battle.