Note to self

Sometimes it feels like nothing makes sense. The more I try, the further I get from what I'm trying to achieve. Then I wonder what it is I'm even trying to achieve, and the clarity that was a week ago, suddenly isn't there. It feels like I have to start all over again. Sometimes I just want a break from all of this. From myself. I wish I didn't have so many things to want to do. Or wish to have no knowledge of all the things I'm interested in; to never have gone down the rabbit hole. I jumped in it and didn't come out. Instead, I found another rabbit hole in the rabbit hole, and now it's a rabbit hole maze. Sometimes it feels like I'm losing it a bit, to the point of fantasizing about leaving it all behind and escaping into a romanticized best-case scenario of something that only happens in imagination. Though no amount of escaping will make anything better, I know.

But all the responsibilities... they’re too much that, I’d rather escape.

Understandable. Alas, wherever you go, there you are. Therefore, you can’t run away from yourself. On top of that, the physical form of your responsibilities may be left behind, but you will carry the sense of obligation, duty, and guilt, always. There they are, preoccupying you at night, making your heart heavy. Is that a proper way to live?

Okay, so what do we do? When things aren’t making sense. When nothing seems to be working out. When a step forward translates into 4 steps back, what do I do? 

Have faith. To take persistent action towards something that’s not yet here is faith in its purest form. So keep going. Even if it’s pitch black ahead, you must toddle along and have faith that what you hope to find will find you, too. A dark path lit with each step taken is the right path, for it's none other than yours and yours only. To have a clear, smooth path is one already paved for you. It’s an option, sure. But you must be cautious, as it may not be right for you. Instead, let your moral compass, reason, and intuition guide you. It won’t be right 100% of the time, and who said it’s supposed to be? But it's better than being swayed in all directions by the far too many claiming to have the right answer; those who want to put a tag and assign a path to you. Sure, listen and consider their words, and be grateful for the guidance. But be sure the final decision is truly yours.
This is the only way to a tranquil life. If it's not a heartfelt yes, it's a no. And once you decide, do not look back. May you be decisive, courageous, and bold, but not rash and reckless. Stay in the middle ground to the best of your ability.
It’s either this or dwell in a back-and-forth of “I could've… I would've… I should've”; in the infinite pool of what ifs. Nothing but inaction. A slow and painful death.