Journal entry, 12/09

I'm here, with no proper goal or intention. It happens often. I want clarity, but I don't know how to get it. I'm often absolutely stuck and scared. Scared of staying in the comfy pit of who I am, but also scared of taking the leap, and escaping.

Will I even make it?
What if I don't?
What if I fail? And then, what would I do?

Or, what if I make it?
I'm scared of that too.

What's on the other side?
I can only imagine. It's certainly prettier there, at least in my mind.

But, what if it's not that?

If there's anything I've learned in life in my 28 years and 2 weeks of life is that things rarely are what you think they'll be. In my case, I'm tired. Tired of being who I am. Not that I hate myself, but I do hate my lack of progress. I hate how I still haven't managed to defeat my weaknesses. My demons have gotten the best of me and beaten it up again and again recently, that I often wonder if I'll ever beat them. It's been a pretty long time and I'm still struggling with the same old things. How many times did my past self look ahead, motivated, inspired, determined, and see a better future? Naively, he trusted his future self—he trusted me, a little too much. He thought, "Oh, my future self? Oh, that guy's got it all figured out by then. That's for sure." But "then" came and went, and my former self became his future self again and again. And again, the crude realization:
No, his future self—me, DIDN'T figure it out. And I'm tired of that. The clock keeps on ticking and the sheets of the imaginary calendar in my head keep on being ripped by the inevitable passage of time, and... will my 30-year-old self have it figured out? How about my 35-year-old self? At 40, or 50?

I'm my past self's future self, and I've certainly disappointed him. So, what makes me think that my future self will be any different? He won’t unless I make a change—a big one.
And even then, will anything really change? I mean, I’ve made “big” changes before and I’m back at square one. So, this could be another big hoax or a big breakout. Whatever it be, there's only one way to find out.

Keep going

I see the fault in my ways. I have had lots of hope in the future, but little action in the present. Let's not do that this time. Instead of 80% hope, 15% procrastination, and 5% action, let's try 49% hope, 51% action.

Stop leaving the heavy, dirty load of work to your future self to deal with. Give him an easier time. Maybe, your future self will look back at you and think, "You crazy wild beautiful bastard, you actually did it. You actually figured it out. Thank you."