End of year note to self

It’s funny how the world works; how life goes up and down and up and down. You’re pretty down in the dumps for a good chunk, you feel stuck, trying to break free from your self-imposed shackles, and trying to clean up your own mess while making more mess in the process. And, even though you know things will likely get worse before they get better, you keep at it, which is really interesting. To think that in spite of having no clear instructions on what to aim for 95% of the time, it’s truly interesting that we still keep going. Waking up every day to do the same things over and over, not exactly knowing why. To which you might say it’s simple: on a biological level, we’re here to procreate and pass on our genes to the next generation. On a societal level, we’re here to contribute to the system. To many, that suffices; to others, that’s only the surface. Yet, the more you ponder on these questions the more you realize that life is absurd. Nevertheless, in spite of the absurdity of life, you carry on, with a taste of nihilism in the mouth.

But then, one day you do something awesome. You make a power move and prove to yourself that you can actually do things you thought you couldn’t, and you feel pretty damn good about yourself. Even if you know that in the grand scheme of things, it’s so insignificant and pointless, you can’t help but not care. In the face of an absurdly brief existence, being nothing but a grain of sand that lives inside a pale blue dot in the middle of an indifferent universe, in spite of all that, you having done this thing still feels grandiose and cathartic. For example, after playing your musical instrument quietly in your bedroom for years, you played in front of a big crowd for the first time and you didn’t suck entirely. It sounded pretty nice, actually. Or you ran a marathon with very little training and no experience doing such a thing, coming to find out that not only did you survive jogging for such a crazy distance, but you also ended up ranking nicely among hundreds of competitors your age in the race. Or maybe you signed up to the gym for the first time ever after a lifetime of swearing not to ever set foot in one. Why would you swear to that? God only knows. Maybe you thought you were above that; you thought you didn’t need a gym to get fit when in reality you were just scared that big guys would judge your skinny legs and whimpy arms; now you realize that the only one paying attention and judging was just your insecure self. Or maybe you started a blog to make sense of your ideas and share who you are to an indifferent world, and even if you know your writing is weak and you’ve got a long way to go, at least you’ve been consistent. Or -last one I promise- you started a YouTube channel, officially becoming someone who not only consumes but also creates which, in an era of hyperconsumerism, it’s not much but it’s certainly something. All this in the hopes of contributing and helping at least one or two souls that may be struggling with that which has troubled and tormented you for years.

After doing such things, proving to yourself that you in fact can do more than you thought you could, life is good. That long-lasting rut in the quicksand seems to have gotten a bit loose, giving you space to slowly swim back out to more solid ground. It feels nice, and in hindsight, you suddenly feel grateful for all the scary, and confusingly dreadful events of the past few years. You’re going somewhere and even if you’re not sure where to, it feels right to keep going, and you’re nervously excited. And all that came from taking action even when you know damn well that in the grand scheme of things, it’s a pointless endeavor.

All this to say that I’m grateful for myself having mustered up the courage to do a lot of scary things this past year (and past few years). Scary things that I never thought I could do. That I thought I didn’t have in me, but it turns out I did. No groundbreaking things objectively, sure. But groundbreaking for me, very. And, I truly believe there’s a lot more to us if only we stop to take a look back. Sure, if we’re comparing to those next to us on social media or the likes or comparing to an amazingly inspiring, six-packed version of ourselves in some distant future, of course, we’ll certainly despair. But if only we stop to take a look -not sideways, not forwards, but backward, then you’re very likely to be astonished at how you’ve come a long, long way. And for that, you should be proud of yourself. So, I encourage you to take a look back at the year and acknowledge your successes, your failures, lessons from those failures, and simply how you are not quite the same person you were a year ago. If you’re cringing at yourself a year ago, you’re on the right track, for that means you’ve changed, and change is good.
To a year of cringe-worthy moments for our 2026 self to binge on, cheers. 🥂 

Thanks to the very few souls who’ve subscribed and read the blog these past 6 months or so. It means the world to me. Hopefully, these blogs have contributed positively to your life in some small way at the very least. Any feedback is very much appreciated!